When I was younger
I'm 46 this month.
When I was younger, I worried about what people thought of me.
I worried whether they thought I looked too fat, too thin, too muscly. I worried about what I looked like in photos compared to them.
I worried they might think my clothes were too tarty, or hippie, or unfashionable.
I worried they might think I spent too much money, or not enough, or on the wrong things.
I worried they might think I was drinking too much, or not enough, or the wrong thing.
I worried about what they would think of my furnishings, or wallpaper, or paint colour.
I worried about what they might think if they found out who I voted for because they might not like it.
I worried about my performance at work, about whether I shined too much or not enough and what people would think of me as a result.
I spent a lot of time hiding who I was.
When I turned 40, something turned in me.
Now I worry about my weight in case it is damaging my health, not so I can pose for a 'skinny' trout pout selfie (I do still worry about what I look like in photos though! Old habits die hard).
Now I worry about whether my clothes are good quality, comfortable and reflect me, not whether I'm wearing expensive, fashionable, poor quality 'one-season' items made in sweat shops.
Now I worry about whether my money should go towards supporting local businesses, or my retirement, or experiences that feed my soul, or give more to charity more, not whether I have a new car or clothes or watch or handbag.
Now I worry about where my food and drink come from, is it home-grown, locally-grown or shipped from abroad? Who grew it? Is it seasonal? Is it tasty?
Now I worry about whether my furnishings, paint and wallpaper choices make me feel relaxed and at home, not whether they follow seasonal trends.
Now I worry about how my voting choices will affect my future. I'm interested in how others vote and their reasons why, but won't be swayed to gain their approval.
Now I worry about whether my work contribution is enough to meet our company goals and hit profit targets so everyone benefits. If that means I shine bright, good, I shine to everyone's benefit. If someone doesn't like that because it makes them feel insecure about their own endeavours, tough.
I wish I could tell the younger me I was worrying about the wrong things. I might have found my groove sooner.
Getting older has benefits :))))
Blowing the New Year cobwebs away
So the last week has been about planting fruit trees in the paddock, which given how nice the weather has been over the last couple of weekends has been the perfect antidote to Christmas excesses.
We have a lot of trees in paddock but the majority of them are cooking apple trees (six full size at the last count). Our cherry, damson, bullace and conference pear trees didn't produce much, if anything, anything last year, leaving us with an abundance of cookers and the fruits from a very small Cox Pippin apple and Victoria plum tree.
I discovered last autumn some thick sturdy posts about a foot from the barn walls and realised that at some point these had wire between them, probably for soft fruit. I decided to resurrect them, reinstate the wire and plant cordon fruit trees. The trees came in mid-December and I finally got around to planting them over the last two weekends. There's a Victoria plum, Oullions Golden Gage, Packham's Triumph pear and a Scrumptious Apple, all on dwarfing rootstock.
There was just one snag...the sheep love the new trees, so we've had to sheep-proof the plantings. This has involved piling everything we have in front and to the side of them to stop the little bleaters reaching anything tasty. I ended up having to do a double fence in case they got over one. They are very tenacious.
It looks a bit of a mess to be frank so we've decided to completely section off that part of the paddock, from top to bottom, with stock-proof fencing when we get back. Eventually I want a polytunnel in the paddock and an area for soft-fruits as well so I might as well section off that whole area and turn it into a kitchen garden. Come March I'll be getting some more chickens so they can be inside that area as well.
It's not just the fruit trees the sheep have been worrying lately - my bank balance is also flinching slightly a I had to have the vet out on New Year's Eve. One of the boys developed a terrible limp very suddenly the day before, to the point where he couldn't stand anymore, was kneeling to eat and rest didn't seem to be doing much. With a holiday looming, I made the decision not to attempt any home care and risk having to leave an unwell animal if it didn't work.
The vet seem to think he had a soft tissue injury in his shoulder so gave him a anti-inflammatory injection, painkiller and antibiotic, as the leg was hot. Luckily there was no foot rot or hoof abscess, so no cleaning, bathing and wrapping involved. Three days later I'm watching the little sod bouncing like zebedee around the pen at top speed, no sign of a limp, with me wincing and shouting 'Mind the leg!'.
At the same time I got the vet to look at one of the others, who was what I refer to as 'a bit runty'. He looked smaller than the others, out of condition, scrappy and had bits of fleece hanging off him. He was right on the line with his weight but not malnutritioned, no temperature or mouth problems that might stop him eating. He was just a bit 'urgh' and you get some animals like that.
I've yet to receive the bill but once I factor in a £33 call out charge, £2.19 per minute on-site (45 minutes), the two injections and a hoof clip for sheep 1, condition check for sheep 2, nutrition advice and a worm burden check I'll be lucky if I see change from £300.
Growing your own is expensive...
