Steel Kitten: Life events

Showing posts with label Life events. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life events. Show all posts


So on Sunday Martin and I joined my sister and nephew to scatter the rest of my mother's ashes in a small welsh village where she grew up. It was the anniversary of her death and we'd already had a partial scattering on her birthday in June at a church near Thame that she and my dad used to visit every now and then to admire the roses. 


We had hoped small welsh village equals quiet. We couldn't have been more wrong. In the last few years the local river at the bottom of the village has become a mecca for canoeists and we had forgotten it was bank holiday weekend. The car parks and green spaces were thick with 4x4s, wet suits and fibreglass canoes.  


We went down the steps to the launching area and veered off to the left, stepping from rock to rock and keeping our feet just above the thick mud near the bank mud, passing under shrubbery and forging through greenery, until we found a little private outcrop and that's where we scattered her the rest of her ashes (once there was a lull in the throng of passing canoes). So my mother now rests in a quiet spot near the bank of the river where she used to play as a child. 


After that we went up into the surrounding hills to visit the house where she used to live and saw the oak tree where she said she sat and ate jam sandwiches as a child. And a big old beastie it was too. Nice to see it still standing and from the size of the trunk it must have been at least a couple of hundred years old and likely much more. Then Martin and I walked down the hillside footpath that she used to take to get down to the town and river. The steps were relatively modern and made of concrete but so steep, almost 45 degrees, I can't imagine how she used to get up and down there. Perhaps wooden planks were laid to form steps, otherwise that would have been a frightening descent in wet weather. 


The rest of the week was quiet but busy.


MIL went to stay with her other son. Since then we’re been eating mostly lamb and beef out of the freezer. We realised we don't tend to cook many meals with red meat when MIL is here, as her teeth are so blunt she can't chew it any more, however, we’ve decided that we want to eat more of it as we love it and don't want to be restricted to the small repertoire of easily chewed meals we seem to have fallen into, which mostly revolve around chicken and mince. I'll cook something else for her on the nights non-minced lamb and beef are on the menu. 



As it is chilly tonight we’re having a lamb curry with potatoes and sultanas and a glass of red wine, while sitting in front of a roaring fire, the first since mid-spring. I’ve had cold feet all day despite wearing socks and slippers and there has been a chill in the air inside the house so Martin decided to fire up the log burner. The summer is coming to an end and the garden is going over. I actually don’t like this period of time of year, not quite summer but not quite autumn. Not cold enough for a duvet but a bit too cold for just a patchwork quilt and fleece. The plants are going over and we’re in a race to get the tomatoes all ripened. 


The Nissan Micra didn’t make it past the MOT and needed quite a bit of work done, including welding. Luckily Martin could do it all, including the welding as he has a MIG welder, so it cost us about £50 in replacement parts but took a good day and half of labour to get it right so it passed. He was right when he said last week it is just not feasible to keep it anymore. All the major work has been done to get it into a good condition so it will make a nice little runaround for someone.



I managed to do another puzzle over the week, read one of my charity shop finds (Rhett Butler’s People) and spent some time on Ancestry updating my mother's family tree with some of the information she had acquired over the years. I go through spurts of interest with my hobbies, but despite the large number I seem to regularly cycle through them. In the next cycle I might get back to finishing that jumper 😁


There was no shooting lesson last week, I cancelled that as I was just too tired. I gave blood at the beginning of August and have still not fully recovered from where I was on day 3 post donation, despite taking supplements, so I have a GP appointment tomorrow to discuss anaemia. When I say appointment, I mean of course phone call. And when I say GP I mean paramedic/triage nurse. I know COVID is still hanging around but getting a GP appt is like trying to get rocking horse droppings. Hopefully I’ll get a blood test done soon to find out what my iron levels are. 


So that’s my week. Another busy one coming up as we have the sheep arriving in about 10 days. Our ride on lawnmower has broken down and the part is obsolete, so we have to find a way to get the paddock mowed and sort out the electric fencing system before they come. Sheep can’t eat long grass, there’s no nutrition in it so it’s all hands to the pump to get the paddock into grazing condition in time. 

I'm sitting here with my third cup of tea writing the coming week's to do list. I usually have two lists, one for the week and one for the weekend, and the weekly one is split into work and personal tasks. 


There was a time I'd get upset if I couldn't complete everything on every list, now I'm a bit more mature and relaxed and split the list into priorities. It won't hurt if washing the inside door mat is bumped to another day but it could hurt us if I don't check the credit card for errors or scammers' activity. 


If the adverts are to be believed Christmas is almost upon us, which translated from retail speak means it is absolute eons away. Is anyone else fed up that autumn seems to have been completely disregarded, like an inconvenience to be rushed through to get to the glitter and spangles? It's like the message of mindfulness that was started on social media during the first lockdown has been completely forgotten. 


Don't get me wrong I am shopping for Christmas presents, I like to be prepared after all, but I'm not putting up decorations or filling the house up with festive paraphernalia. I'm trying to appreciate the colours and smells of autumn, enjoying toasting my toes in front of the log burner and the clear crisp nights with visible stars. I've switched over the summer textiles to our autumn/winter coloured ones. I'm cutting up logs and stashing kindling. The boiler is serviced, the oil is topped up, the radiators tested and sticky thermostats fixed. My summer clothes are packed away and the autumn ones are out. 


At the same time I'm slowly building my prepping stores, as I have some concerns about what January and Brexit will bring. Any hold ups at the ports will impact on fresh goods coming in from abroad so I have been adding a few bits of frozen, tinned and dried fruit and veg to my shopping for some time now, and making some freezer store meals. I've also been drying some tomatoes and mushrooms, as I've found them nice additions to simple meals. We have a few leeks in the garden and some root veg, which will help plump a few meals out, and of course our freezers are full of meat and veg from our previous livestock and harvests.


With mum gone and COVID and lockdowns making it difficult to see family, Christmas won't be a massively festive affair for me. It will be quiet and reflective, a time to appreciate what I still have.

Sorry I haven't been back here for while.


I got a serious case of the blahs in April. 


Then I took action to get myself out of the blahs and slid into a new, much more highly paid job when a colleague left. 


Then just when things were looking good my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer in Mid-July and died August Bank Holiday weekend. She had a dormant cancer, where a few rogue cells from her 'cured' tumour 30 years ago lodged quietly in one of her ribs and then spread by stealth. She went into hospital to have something else sorted and a routine scan showed it was everywhere. COVID restrictions meant she spent a lot of time in hospital and a hospice without being allowed visitors, but they let us in to see her one last time the night before she passed away.


I'm grateful mum didn't suffer on for years.  I'm grateful we had another 30 years with her. 


My head's a bit of a mess. My house is an even bigger mess. The garden is a travesty. The only things that aren't a mess is the job and our finances, although our savings this year have not been great. But I'm slowly pulling my socks up, pottering, accomplishing a little every day.


That's all I can do really. I'll get back into the swing of blogging soon and post some pictures of the flotsam and jetsam of the last six months.


Hope you're all doing ok and hanging on in there. 




Completely out of the blue.

Along with 22 other colleagues, we have been put on two months furlough. The government is offering to reimburse 80% of our salary's under its new job retention scheme and luckily our firm has agreed to make up the other 20% so I'm on full salary. Trouble is, will I have a job to go back to at the end of May? Currently, two people have split my job between them, and the worry is if they soldier on doing my job and theirs in the 'spirit of the Blitz' the firm may decide to make it permanent.

While two months paid leave sounds nice, it is in fact not when you wake up every day wondering if you will have a job in the summer, should you be job hunting and what if you find something? I have nearly six years with this firm - it could mean starting again, no job security until two years after starting, six months probation, interruption of pension, maybe having to work in an office again.

Right, so the negative stuff out the way. Now for the positive.

Maybe it is time for me to move on, get a pay rise, more responsibility, challenge myself, etc, etc. I have got very comfortable working from home, sat on the bed, meandering through my days. Maybe it is time for a change.

So, the plan it to clean up the house and garden thoroughly and get all the outstanding jobs done, while simultaneously updating my CV, improving my skills by actually learning how to use some of this professional software I have on my work computer, and then job hunting. I will make me feel better to take some kind of positive action.


Over the weekend I ripped into the sunken garden, which had got out of hand. The variegated ivy had completely taken over one bed, killed off some shrubs (it was actually choking the little conifer on the left of the picture) and was snaking its way down across the paving, so I ripped it all out and cleaned it up. I was annoyed to find that the ivy had forced its way through the wall, which now has a big crack running down it and a edging piece lifted that will have to be repaired and concreted back. I have a large shrub stump to get out as well. The rosemary is looking bedraggled and very sorry for itself so once the flowering is over and the bees have had their fill, I'll be dragging that out and planting a new one.



In general the sunken garden it looks unkempt and a bit straggly. Around the outside is a semi-circle of lavender, which is quite old and has started getting woody and dying back in places. I had a search through my seeds and found some dwarf lavender, so have decided to rip out all of those big lavenders later this year and replace them with tidy dwarf lavender plants interspersed with a bright orange early spring perennial (if I can find one). I'd like to get some more early flowers for the bees.



Martin has been very busy cutting down a massive conifer that had got so big it was obscuring the light into the kitchen and blocking out view of the garden. That's now just a stump so we'll even that off and add a pot of something bright and trailing.


So, lots to do, as ever, and now I have the time to really crack into it.


I'm getting into a daily rhythm with the social distancing.

DH's alarm goes off at 5am, he gets up, I go back to sleep. The lighter mornings wake me up around 6:30am but I won't get up until after 7am. I like the initial morning doze in the warm. Once I'm up the cats are let out, tea for me and mother-in-law, litter trays emptied and cleaned and I check the news online. Text my mother and sister to see how it goes with them. Then shower, maybe some yoga stretches, and then I get down to the business of the day.

Work is coming in fits and starts. We no longer have face-to-face meetings with clients, so our customer service team has been re-booking teleconferences with those who are still working. This has disrupted the normal flow of things and documents have slowed down.

I like the structure of work, it helps me focus on other things besides what is going on in the world. I have been alternating editing with housework. Edit a report, hoover the landing, edit a report, wipe the door handles, edit a report, steam clean the bathroom floor, etc. Break for lunch and to read my book, 30 minute nap, and then it begins again, with the ironing done sometime mid-afternoon. Mother-in-law goes for a trot round outside. I throw a few more yoga shapes if I'm stiff, maybe weed a veg bed. No-one visits here except the occasional parcel delivery man - DH picks up our mail from our postman so he doesn't have to stop here.

DH texts to see if I want anything before he comes home (the answer is usually no). He picks up anything mother-in-law needs, or posts off something my parents need (yesterday it was latex gloves). Then he comes in, strips off and showers. I take all outdoor clothes down to be washed. We sit on the bed with tea and watch the daily update. I cook the dinner, hang up the washing, do a bit of reading/painting/watch a film, do DH's lunch and then go to bed by 10pm.

At 5am the alarm goes off and we start again.

It is a boringly normal day, every day and that's the way we're trying to keep it. Low key, unsurprising and distanced from as much of the world as possible. We want to be part of the solution, not the problem.


With everything going on, I've been thinking about the best way to use my food supplies to ensure I can stretch it across the longest time possible and still keep our food interesting. My intention is to make our food last out as long as we can to allow others who have greater need to buy food at the shops.

I can't say how long my food store will last as I never built it up with a 'target' in mind. I just bought extras of what we normally use during a month when they were cheaper, on multi-buy deals, yellow stickered or when I had the extra money to do so. I was routinely putting surplus fruit and veg in the freezer or dehydrating it last year so I have some supplies in that respect. 

So, I had a think last night about some of the things we currently do and how we can adapt those to work better in the current environment and decided I'd share some of my thoughts.

1. Not eating the same things at the same times day in, day out. I'm guilty of this, and to a certain extent so is Martin but as he is a postman, eating out on delivery has to revolve around things that are easy to handle and wrapped as he cannot wash his hands properly. 
I don't have an excuse - I often just have cheese and crackers or a cheese sandwich for lunch because it is quick and I don't want to think about it. However, gluten-free bread is so expensive and currently in short supply so I'm planning on making what bread I do have go much further by rotating my lunches to include a lot of variety. I probably won't worry about baking bread - I've had too many failures trying to make a decent loaf and it uses up a lot of ingredients with every failure. Now is not the time to perfect my skills.

So, for example, lunches for me might look like:

day 1: sandwich
day 2: soup and breadsticks or add some pasta to the soup to bulk it out
day 3: crackers with the normal sandwich filling
day 4: one slice of bread to make half a sandwich (or an open sandwich) and team it with some fruit and a yoghurt
day 5: baked potato and the sandwich filling
day 6: salad and the sandwich filling
day 7: something not traditionally lunch
day 8: use up protein powder as meal replacement shakes
day 9: leftovers from the previous night's dinner
day 10: pancakes

Other things I thought of:

2. Pasta is not just spaghetti or recognisable shapes – it’s also macaroni and broken up lasagne sheets. I was reading about shelves being stripped bare of all pasta apart from those two and was surprised. They are both pasta and can be used. 

3. Consider replacing pasta with a vegetable, such as something spiralised or cut into thin strips using a potato peeler. 

4. Consider eating foods out of the normal sequence – nobody says you can’t have a bowl of porridge for dinner, or cheese on toast for breakfast. In fact, no-one said you have to have breakfast at all. Most days I don't feel like eating until late morning anyway. 

5. Eat less by reducing potion sizes

6. Use less cheese at a time by grating it. 

7. Eat last night's leftovers with some additional carbs or veg

8. Have a bowl of soup before, or a more veg with, a smaller dinner.

9. If I run out of pasta, I have a pasta machine lying dusty somewhere and it is easy to make, just a bit time-consuming. 

10. Drag out the back of the cupboards and see what's there, lying forgotten. I did this yesterday and found a sachet of peanut satay sauce, an out of date mini Dolmio stir through sauce, some shredded coconut, a tin of pilchards, and some lasagne sheets. So tonight's dinner will be satay chicken for Martin and Audrey, pasta for me with the mini Dolmio sauce (peanuts give me gut ache) but in all honesty I'm not sure about the pilchards. I don't even know where they came from! I'll probably try and lose them in a fish pie. I'm the only one in the house that likes coconut so I might try to make some coconut 'milk' to drink and for porridge.

11. Using less meat and padding out main meals with grated veg and/or pulses. We routinely use pulses but have not yet tried veg so I will start doing so. Instead of using a whole tin of pulses we'll use half and add some grated veg.

12. There will be limits to how many of each product we can have when we eventually do have to buy some food, if any is on the shelves at all, so we have to think outside the box. For example, if I can't get chopped tomatoes then I'll look at passata, fresh toms, sundried toms, plum toms, ketchup, tomato puree, baked beans, tomato soup, etc. Think of all the different ways a particular type of food can be treated and get something different. 

13. Grow some. Some things are quick to grow. Lettuce leaves, spinach and herbs are quick and simple and can form the basis of a salad. I have beans I can sprout. 

Anyway, that's all of my thoughts on food for the moment. Hope some of my ideas might be useful for you. 

So, with all the Coronavirus recommendations (including the new ones that came out this afternoon) it looks like we're practising social isolation and distancing. For introverts like us three (five if you count the cats) I'm hoping it won't be too tough. In fact the only social extroverts around here are the chickens 😁

MIL is 86 with many health issues, so could be badly affected by catching the flu. She's a bit of a homebody anyway, doesn't socialise and doesn't seem unduly upset with the prospect of isolation,  although she isn't happy that she wasn't able to see her niece last weekend for a planned (but cancelled) lunch because the young lady had just come back from a holiday in Slovenia with a cold. We basically had to be very firm with MIL about not going and she's now quite thankful that we did. She  understands the dangers.

Martin is a concern; as a postman he is still going to be going out and delivering mail. Royal Mail has issued guidelines to its posties over the weekend on how to deliver packages that require the homeowner to sign - basically they will not be expected to sign and Martin must put the packages on the floor, knock/ring the bell and then step back a safe distance until the person picks up the parcel and closes the door. We have been considering everything he does from during the day, from when he pulls into the car park at the Royal Mail warehouse until he gets home. He is equipped with wipes to clean his van, gloves for handling parcels and hand sanitiser to use frequently throughout the day.

As for me, I work from home, rarely go into the office and only go out to the shops now and then for groceries. My gym membership has run out as well so I won't be renewing. I'll look at that again in the autumn. At the end of January I decided to reduce my visits to charity shops and went cold turkey on them for almost all of February. I had been experiencing odd withdrawal reactions when I didn't go that surprised me; I was quite unhappy and had a Fear Of Missing Out on bargains. I realised I needed to tackle it. Thankfully I'm past that now but it took nearly four weeks to get there. It seems a bit prophetic now and I'm glad I'm not dealing with those feelings while trying to get my head round COVID 19 restrictions. So, I'll be ok with the isolation I think.



I took the photo above in my local supermarket 10 days ago as I went past the toilet paper aisle to get some peas. Personally, I put food above toilet paper. Let's face it, there's no shortage of things you could use instead of the toilet tissue in an emergency. I'm saving MIL's daily newspaper and am delighted to see that modern inks don't come off on your skin. I'll say no more! 😂

Thankfully, I started building up a groceries stockpile a while ago in response to Brexit so I haven't had to do much shopping, just plugging a few apparent gaps, such as cat food, sugar, bits for Martin's lunches, stock cubes, cider and frozen veg. I was concerned about the possible higher cost of food, aiming for my stockpile to smooth any Brexit transition rather than going to the shops and finding my weekly shopping jumping by 10-20% in one go. As it stands, it now seems that it will help us over the next few months as we socially distance ourselves. I'll still pop out for a few bits of fresh now and then but otherwise I'm here working, reading, gardening and painting.

Interestingly, I never even considered hand sanitiser for my stockpile (why would I for Brexit?) so only had a little bottle for travel purposes, but I did have isopropyl alcohol and aloe vera gel for various reasons. I have mixed these together in a 75% alcohol minimum solution and we use that.

We'll get by.



So, a big thing is happening in January. Huge. We're going on holiday. Yes, I know. Doesn't sound big really does it? But for us a holiday is always a big thing as it has happened so rarely and this one is huge. Australia. Yep, we're going to Australia in January for three weeks! For the most part we'll be staying in Cairns as we both want to do a lot of adventure stuff and then we have a few days with a friend in Melbourne.

We very rarely take holidays so for this to come about, and so quickly in the last month, is nothing short of a miracle. A few things came together all in one go and we made the decision to throw caution to the wind and go for it.

1. We've thought about visiting Australia for years but there's always been something stopping us. Normally Martin's work. His last office refused all leave for longer than two weeks and anything longer than a week had to be granted special permission by a not-so-nice office manager, who rarely, if ever granted it. We'd given up the idea years ago but never thought to ask after he moved to this new office. The idea came up again, he checked and the new office said "no problem, enjoy yourself". Woohoo!

2. MIL will be 85 next Spring and is relatively healthy, but she will not fly anywhere and cannot sit in a car for longer than a couple of hours. When she starts to decline, decent holidays may not be able to happen for a long time if she needs nursing care.

3. My BIL has temporarily moved to the area, so he can keep an eye on MIL if we go away. She doesn't need a lot of looking after but doesn't like to be left alone at night so BIL can stay and make sure she is ok. The cats won't take to catteries for the first time at the advanced age of 14 so this means they can stay in the house. Come next March BIL may be moving elsewhere and it gets that much harder to achieve a holiday at all.

4. Brexit has had an odd effect on me lately. It occurred to me that if Brexit prompts a recession then my instinct to batten down the hatches may mean we will end up not taking a holiday for a few years to ensure we achieve our retirement goals instead. Therefore ideally we need to do this sooner rather than later.

5. Affording it. We achieved our savings goal for the year, made the last payment into the accounts for 2018 on 1st December ( I make sure we pay ourselves first every month and make do on the rest). Our saving account is healthy and can stand the expense.

However,  all my intentions to pay for it flew out of the window when it actually came to getting the money out of the savings account. I cannot bring myself to see that wad of cash disappear yet. I've scoured the market for a credit card that offered 0% interest for 18 months and put the cost of the holiday onto there for now.



Until the moment when I had to pay for it, I had been delighted to have the money saved and made all preparations to transfer it across, but I suddenly turned into Fraser from Dad's Army in The Miser's Hoard (s9 ep4), where he counts out his gold sovereigns and rubs his hands. I just couldn't do it. I'd rather spread the cost interest-free than see a large chunk of cash disappear in one go. It hurts less!

I'm not sure whether that is a good instinct or a bad one. I suppose it would be a bad one if I was incurring interest payments but no interest for 18 months just seems like a bit of a gift really so we can keep that liquid cash for emergencies and pay off the holiday in regular chunks.

So, I'm finding it a bit difficult to concentrate on Christmas at the moment. I want it to be over so I can go on holiday!

Photo Credits: Reef, Fraser
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If you've commented on my blog recently and haven't had a response I'm not ignoring you. It appears that blogger has decided my replies are not blog worthy and hasn't bothered to publish them. I only realised this morning that my responses over the last month have not been published and have disappeared from my account entirely. I shall go back and redo them all.
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So, work is nuts and I've been scarce around here. This time of year my firm does 25-30% of its business so that works out at about three times my usual workload. And I can guarantee one thing that will simultaneously happen at this time of year; I will go mad for planners and organisational journals. Because everything is happening in a whirlwind and I'm lurching madly from one crisis to the next my brain convinces me that if I had some hideously complex life planner it wouldn't happen.

Every year like clockwork I end up buying a journal or diary that I abandon mid-march, pick up again in July, lose track off in August and then November it starts again.

I have tried so many different ways of organising myself and none of them have worked well.

I've done an A4 diary with a day to a page with time slots. Not a chance. Tried it in A5 size. Another nope. Normal diary with a day to a page and no times, both A4 and A5. Nope. Sometimes filled it in, sometimes not. Tried a small pocket diary. Never kept it in my pocket or bag, and kept putting it down. So small I couldn't find it if I put it down because I move a tsunami of stuff around the house every day.

I've done David Allen's Getting Things Done, which involves always getting everything out of your head, onto paper and filed appropriately. I fell at the first hurdle. I couldn't get everything out of my head. I think I have an abnormal amount of thoughts, ideas, imaginings. As fast as I was getting them out they were going in/popping up. Losing battle.

I didn't get on with bullet journals - mainly because I didn't realise they are actually a hobby not a work tool. It took me a ridiculous length of time to put together the structure of it. I want a planner to already have all that stuff. I also couldn't get along with the wasabi tape and sticker business. I haven't got time to colour.

I've had a daily greatness journal, and while that has been the most successful to date I still only kept that up for 90 days because I had been putting off getting started with the smallholding stuff when I got here and that got me going. But the second 90 days? Nope, never happened. I actually found the questions a bit monotonous and I rarely, if ever, went back in the evening to reflect on my day. The only saving grace with that one is that as there are no dates, the next time I want to do a 90 day challenge I can pick it up and fill up the next quarter.

Gratitude journal? Ok when you're in a good mood, disastrous when you're in a bad mood. Once that bile is down on paper there's no going back. My hormone hate can be directed against even sunshine at the wrong time of the month :)

On a week-to-week basis I'm more of a do-er, not a planner. I don't have time really to sit and plan my day, week, month. I get up in the morning and just get on. In my mind I have periods of time when I know I must work and not do anything else, where I want to read and not do anything else, and the rest of the time I fit in what needs to be done. I look around and think "sink needs a clean" "there's a load of washing to be done" "what's the next thing in the inbox" and I just do it.

I have a list on my phone of things to buy and or do in town and I keep a relatively good appointments calendar on there too. I have a work notebook to keep track of work stuff and a personal journal where I focus on my emotional intelligence, self-esteem and mental health. I have a third book where I track my personal development through the films and plays I see, books I read, and programmes I listen to. That last one started because I sometimes beat myself up for not reading/watching enough good stuff so it was quite a surprise when I started writing it down and realised I did.

So, why this post?

Because, of course, I have been suckered in by the promise of another planner. I'm not going to say which one because I don't want to provide free advertising. I don't think I need it, I don't think it will add anything to my already over-pressurised life, but my goodness do I want it. I just can't shake the feeling that I haven't yet found the right planner, THE planner that will somehow be so absorbing and engaging that I will keep using it. And that THIS one could be it!

Then Martin said the fatal "do you want it for Christmas?" and that's where I am tonight.

Struggling over the decision on whether to have another life planner. Hmmm....

Well, another thought experiment has landed courtesy of Saving Ninja

What would you do if you knew with absolute certainty that you would die in exactly 10 years time. It doesn’t matter how you know this or what you will die of; in 3652 days you will drop dead.

Hmmm...what I would immediately do is eerily similar to what I would do if I won £1 million

I would tell no-one...husband...hotel...scream…swear to secrecy…

Why the secrecy? I've no problem with Dh's feelings and opinions, but other people's? No. I don't want to know. Once people find out I have a terminal illness, from then on every comment or opinion on my life choices would be couched in terms of the illness, and they will be mostly negative. I would get 'The Look', the 'Poor You' pitying look that I absolutely despise. And of course there are those who could only focus on the terrible impact my news has on them. I have one of 'those' people in the family. You know the ones I mean, I'm sure. 

So, what I would do would depend on whether I was dropping dead at a specific hour in 10 years or winding down in health until incapacitated and dribbling.

Dropping dead at a specific hour
Really, 10 years to live is too long to contemplate stopping work. I would carry on working for five years to secure DH's financial future, but I would change the destination from where I would do this. I would persuade my DH with everything I could muster to live abroad in the sun with me. I only need a laptop to work and I only pop into work once a month now, which is doable. I'm sure DH could pick up some work to bring in a few pounds here and there. There is a great deal of difference doing an eight hour day in, say, Spain than doing the same hours in England. I would invite BIL to come and live in the house for a low rent to look after MIL and keep an eye on the place. He’s currently renting and would probably appreciate the security.

In five years, I would look at cutting down work to 2-3 days per week. Still saving though.

With two-years to go I would give up work completely and go travelling on the savings with DH.

Before the appointed hour, we would return to the UK so I can drop dead here and be cremated. We already have life insurance policies so that would pay off the house, leaving DH with various pensions and the cars as assets after I die.

Health winding down

Ditto for the first five years except I would make sure that I would live in the most advantageous climate for the management of my health problem. After five years I would look at either cutting down to part-time or give it up completely to do some travelling for a year or two. When it was obvious it was becoming too difficult to manage any more, I would then be presented with the most appalling decision.

I want to toddle off to Dignitas in Switzerland to ensure a painless death. I do not want to die in this country as the welfare services for the chronically ill and/or incapacitated are not good. We have the Liverpool Care Pathway, which is inhumane and nothing more than legalised torture. We treat animals better than we treat the terminally ill. We’re not terribly logical or civilised in this country.

However, if I take my own life our insurance policies would, unfortunately, be null and void. There is no payout for suicide. DH would be left with a mortgage.

So if I want DH to have a secure financial future, I have to endure a horrendous long and drawn out painful death unless I can figure out a way to discreetly top myself. Difficult to be discreet about these things if you are incapacitated and need care. And what if they mistakenly think DH has done me in? It doesn’t bear thinking about. 

This has been an interesting exercise for me so thank you to Saving Ninja for that. As much as I think I am in control, life has a habit of showing me I'm not. I had never considered what would happen if I had a long drawn-out illness. In my mind, I have always just died suddenly and so my preparations have been based on that. 

I guess I have some more planning to do. 


Here are a few other bloggers' views on this thought experiment:

Spring cleaning has had to be put on hold this week as Martin has managed to tear his calf muscle, leaving me to hold the fort. 

We've recently decided to modify the kitchen, and in an amazing stroke of luck we found a secondhand Rangemaster 90cm induction range on eBay in our town and went to pick it up in the week. 

That's when it happened. Martin lifted his end of the range, but didn't even get it off the ground before his calf muscle snapped. He had very large calf muscles and it looks like they were too tight and couldn't take the strain. Luckily the seller had some friends he could call on to help us load it into the van. 

So until further notice I've taken over all of his chores inside and outside the house, including 3-4 hours of weekly grass mowing and - a super special chore for this weekend - brush-cutting the nettles in the paddock down. 

Deep joy.
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