Inside I'm screaming

So, I'm getting close to fever pitch at the moment.

I always thought I'd thrive if I was put into a situation where I couldn't go anywhere, as long as I had my books. Well I have my books - and much more besides - and I'm not ok. I didn't realise how much I needed useful revenue-generating work.

Since being furloughed I've worked hard to keep active, even going so far as to put together a schedule for myself, but the uncertainty surrounding whether I will have a paying job or not at the end of all of this is weighing me down. I'm sleeping badly so every 2-3 days I resort to taking a pill just to get some rest and allow my body to repair itself, although it usually means I'm a bit too sleepy the next day to do anything worthwhile. I'm having to carefully plan any big jobs to coincide with the point where I am rested and awake.

There's another aspect to furlough that people don't really talk about, and that's the rejection and loss of self-esteem. You think you are a necessary part of the team until furloughed, and then you realise that you have been classed 'a non-essential worker'. It feels like a slap in the face. In fact, I feel exactly as I did when I was made redundant in 2013: unnecessary. I'm not someone who deals well with being considered unnecessary. What makes it a bit worse is I know that my firm is ok money-wise, with plenty of reserves on the bank, so this was just to grab some free money. Three people have handed in their notice since and two have already gone. I wonder if the management will ever grasp the damage they have done.

Anyway, that's how my week has been. Don't get me wrong, I've been keeping my mouth firmly shut and ploughing on ahead with things round here. Being furloughed on full pay is a gift. It's just that bloody word (and its synonyms) going round and round my head: unnecessary (unneeded, pointless...).

Right, moan over. Shut yer face, Sarah.

So, we're cleaning up the 'building site' at the back of the barns.

We've not been successful trying to get rid of the 3,000+ bricks to anyone so we've been skipping them. I decided to bite the bullet and just turf them out. We've been here four years in July and enough is enough. Once clear, I'll be siting a greenhouse down there, as it is a wonderful warm spot next to a wall that gets the sunshine most of the day and I can grow lots more tomatoes for pasta sauces.

Talking of tomatoes, I ordered some tomato plants from a local nursery that was doing a lockdown special delivery service for people in my postcode so I managed to get eight + growbags: six for the mini greenhouse and two for hanging pots.

The hanging pot I got from a charity shop for £2, along with a couple of retractable pulleys (also £2) for easy watering.

I was delighted to find someone had stuffed two brand new hanging pouches in the growbag box when I opened it up so I shall be finding some plug plants to go in those this year.

I decided to plant up some heavily sprouted Tyson potatoes, left over from our last sack, in the pig pen, as it has lovely friable fertilised soil thanks to the efforts of our last two pigs.

I've also planted another pear tree and blackcurrant bush that I bought way back last summer and gave my blueberry a good water and feed. I was annoyed to find my two cranberries didn't make it through the winter. They were completely dead with rotted roots so I've yanked those out.

Finally, I have a few self-seeded gooseberry bushes, a tayberry and a loganberry still to plant up, but not today. Today it has been raining and it was really needed. Loving the sunshine and all, but it felt weird to be watering dry pots every day in mid-April 😁

Read more »

Steel Kitten

I've been furloughed!

Completely out of the blue.

Along with 22 other colleagues, we have been put on two months furlough. The government is offering to reimburse 80% of our salary's under its new job retention scheme and luckily our firm has agreed to make up the other 20% so I'm on full salary. Trouble is, will I have a job to go back to at the end of May? Currently, two people have split my job between them, and the worry is if they soldier on doing my job and theirs in the 'spirit of the Blitz' the firm may decide to make it permanent.

While two months paid leave sounds nice, it is in fact not when you wake up every day wondering if you will have a job in the summer, should you be job hunting and what if you find something? I have nearly six years with this firm - it could mean starting again, no job security until two years after starting, six months probation, interruption of pension, maybe having to work in an office again.

Right, so the negative stuff out the way. Now for the positive.

Maybe it is time for me to move on, get a pay rise, more responsibility, challenge myself, etc, etc. I have got very comfortable working from home, sat on the bed, meandering through my days. Maybe it is time for a change.

So, the plan it to clean up the house and garden thoroughly and get all the outstanding jobs done, while simultaneously updating my CV, improving my skills by actually learning how to use some of this professional software I have on my work computer, and then job hunting. I will make me feel better to take some kind of positive action.

Over the weekend I ripped into the sunken garden, which had got out of hand. The variegated ivy had completely taken over one bed, killed off some shrubs (it was actually choking the little conifer on the left of the picture) and was snaking its way down across the paving, so I ripped it all out and cleaned it up. I was annoyed to find that the ivy had forced its way through the wall, which now has a big crack running down it and a edging piece lifted that will have to be repaired and concreted back. I have a large shrub stump to get out as well. The rosemary is looking bedraggled and very sorry for itself so once the flowering is over and the bees have had their fill, I'll be dragging that out and planting a new one.

In general the sunken garden it looks unkempt and a bit straggly. Around the outside is a semi-circle of lavender, which is quite old and has started getting woody and dying back in places. I had a search through my seeds and found some dwarf lavender, so have decided to rip out all of those big lavenders later this year and replace them with tidy dwarf lavender plants interspersed with a bright orange early spring perennial (if I can find one). I'd like to get some more early flowers for the bees.

Martin has been very busy cutting down a massive conifer that had got so big it was obscuring the light into the kitchen and blocking out view of the garden. That's now just a stump so we'll even that off and add a pot of something bright and trailing.

So, lots to do, as ever, and now I have the time to really crack into it.

Read more »

Steel Kitten